Here you will find some of the best Retirement Jokes for your retirement speech, and your retirement party. Humor is a lighthearted and playful way to look at retirement.
Are Retirement Jokes the best medicine for seniors? Laughter really is the best medicine for seniors, and medical science confirms this. I inherited my sense of humor from my parents. I love to share jokes, and when I hear a good one I write it down.
My schooldays were in an era of strict discipline and corporal punishment, occasionally relieved by the teacher, or a student, telling a funny story. In my corporate life I sometimes told humorous stories to relieve tension, foster creativity, and create rapport.
Funny Retirement Jokes
You might want to include some of the following in your Retirement Speech – or combine with some Retirement Quotations.
Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime? Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answers: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: Nuts!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal.
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending Tea Break.
Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
Hits and Memories for Baby Boomers
В“YouВ’re So Varicose VeinВ” by Carly Simon
В“How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?В” by the Bee Gees В“
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your FaceВ” by Roberta Flack
В“I Can’В’t See Clearly NowВ” by Johnny Nash В“
These Boots Give Me ArthritisВ” by Nancy Sinatra В“
You Make Me Feel Like NappingВ” by Leo Sayer В“
Once, Twice, Three Trips to the BathroomВ” by the Commodores В“
A Whiter Shade of HairВ” by Procol Harum В“
I Get By with a Little Help from DependsВ” by the Beatles В“
Mrs. Brown, You’В’ve Got a Lovely WalkerВ” by Herman’s Hermits В“
TalkingВ’ В‘Bout My MedicationВ” by the Who
В“Bald ThingВ” by the Troggs
PERKS OF BEING OVER 60 and Retired
At some stage retirees must accept the fact that retirement and reduced roles are ultimately a reflection of oneВ’s reduced capacities and motivation. Yet retirement jokes enable us to laugh at our predicament and avoid despair!
- Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
- No one expects you to run. anywhere.
- People call at 9 pm and ask did I wake you?
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
- Things you buy now won’t wear out.
- You can eat supper at 4 pm.
- You can live without sex, but not your glasses.
- You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
- You sing along with elevator music.
- Your eyes won’t get much worse.
- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
- Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
- You can’t remember who sent you this list.
- And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Retirement Jobs-What the New Job Jargon Really Means
In seeking a retirement job you may be unfamiliar with the current argot (sic) of the profession. And some of these descriptions are not retirement jokes!
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY – We have no time to train you.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE – We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED – You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED – Some time each night and some time each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY – Anyone in the office can boss you around.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL – We have no quality control.
CAREER-MINDED – Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE – We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE – You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST – You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS – You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS – Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
Funny Retirement Poem:
Another year has passed and we’re all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter and winter seems much colder.
Now we go to funeral homes, and after-funeral brunches.
Now we ask for doggie bags, come home, and take a pill.
Now we get sore behinds from riding in the car.
Now we stay home at night and watch the evening news.
So, enjoy each day and live it up. before you’re too darn old!
Exercise for seniors
Here is an exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I’d pass it on to some of my friends. Just don’t overdo it.
OK. it’s a retirement joke!
My Doctor told me, I should start an exercise program. Not wanting to do any harm to this aging body, I’ve devised the following:
Beat around the bush
Jump to conclusions
Climb the walls
Wade through the morning paper
Make mountains out of mole hills
Hit the nail on the head
Bend over backwards
Jump on the Band Wagon
Run around in circles
Advise the President on how to run the country
Toot my own horn
Pull out all the stops
Add fuel to the fire
Open a can of worms
Put my foot in my mouth
Start the ball rolling
Go over the edge
Pick up the pieces!
Kneel in prayer
Bow my head in thanksg
Uplift my hands in praise
Hug someone and encourage them.
I really enjoyed the retirement jokes in the award winning speech Retirement Never