Retirement Jokes Are A Light Hearted Look At Retirement, question and answer


Retirement Jokes

Here you will find some of the best Retirement Jokes for your retirement speech, and your retirement party. Humor is a lighthearted and playful way to look at retirement.

Question and answer jokes

Are Retirement Jokes the best medicine for seniors? Laughter really is the best medicine for seniors, and medical science confirms this. I inherited my sense of humor from my parents. I love to share jokes, and when I hear a good one I write it down.

My schooldays were in an era of strict discipline and corporal punishment, occasionally relieved by the teacher, or a student, telling a funny story. In my corporate life I sometimes told humorous stories to relieve tension, foster creativity, and create rapport.

Funny Retirement Jokes

You might want to include some of the following in your Retirement Speech – or combine with some Retirement Quotations.

Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime? Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answers: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: Nuts!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending Tea Break.

Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

Hits and Memories for Baby Boomers

В“YouВ’re So Varicose VeinВ” by Carly Simon

В“How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?В” by the Bee Gees В“

The First Time Ever I Forgot Your FaceВ” by Roberta Flack

В“I Can’В’t See Clearly NowВ” by Johnny Nash В“

These Boots Give Me ArthritisВ” by Nancy Sinatra В“

You Make Me Feel Like NappingВ” by Leo Sayer В“

Once, Twice, Three Trips to the BathroomВ” by the Commodores В“

A Whiter Shade of HairВ” by Procol Harum В“

I Get By with a Little Help from DependsВ” by the Beatles В“

Mrs. Brown, You’В’ve Got a Lovely WalkerВ” by Herman’s Hermits В“

TalkingВ’ В‘Bout My MedicationВ” by the Who

В“Bald ThingВ” by the Troggs

PERKS OF BEING OVER 60 and Retired

At some stage retirees must accept the fact that retirement and reduced roles are ultimately a reflection of oneВ’s reduced capacities and motivation. Yet retirement jokes enable us to laugh at our predicament and avoid despair!

  1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
  2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
  3. No one expects you to run. anywhere.
  4. People call at 9 pm and ask did I wake you?
  5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
  6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
  7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
  8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
  9. You can live without sex, but not your glasses.
  10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
  11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
  12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
  13. You sing along with elevator music.
  14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
  15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
  16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
  17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
  18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
  19. You can’t remember who sent you this list.
  20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Retirement Jobs-What the New Job Jargon Really Means

In seeking a retirement job you may be unfamiliar with the current argot (sic) of the profession. And some of these descriptions are not retirement jokes!

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY – We have no time to train you.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE – We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED – You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED – Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY – Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL – We have no quality control.

CAREER-MINDED – Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE – We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE – You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST – You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS – You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS – Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Funny Retirement Poem:

Another year has passed and we’re all a little older.

Last summer felt hotter and winter seems much colder.

Now we go to funeral homes, and after-funeral brunches.

Now we ask for doggie bags, come home, and take a pill.

Now we get sore behinds from riding in the car.

Now we stay home at night and watch the evening news.

So, enjoy each day and live it up. before you’re too darn old!

Exercise for seniors

Here is an exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I’d pass it on to some of my friends. Just don’t overdo it.

OK. it’s a retirement joke!

Weekly Workout

My Doctor told me, I should start an exercise program. Not wanting to do any harm to this aging body, I’ve devised the following:

Beat around the bush

Jump to conclusions

Climb the walls

Wade through the morning paper

Make mountains out of mole hills

Hit the nail on the head

Bend over backwards

Jump on the Band Wagon

Run around in circles

Advise the President on how to run the country

Toot my own horn

Pull out all the stops

Add fuel to the fire

Open a can of worms

Put my foot in my mouth

Start the ball rolling

Go over the edge

Pick up the pieces!

Kneel in prayer

Bow my head in thanksg

Uplift my hands in praise

Hug someone and encourage them.

I really enjoyed the retirement jokes in the award winning speech Retirement Never


Sci-fi Author Shuts Down Anti-Abortion Activists With The One Question None Of


Question and answer jokesCrooks and Liars

Question and answer jokes

Sci-fi Author Shuts Down Anti-Abortion Activists With The One Question None Of Them Will Answer

Question and answer jokes

Science fiction author Patrick S. Tomlinson this week explained how opponents of abortion rights can be shut down with one simple question about whether 1,000 embryos are more important than the life of a single child.

In a series of tweets on Monday, Tomlinson revealed the scenario that he says has repeatedly stumped so-called pro-life activists.

Tomlinson said that he asks abortion opponents whether it makes more sense to save one child from a burning building or a vial of 1,000 embryos.

“They will never answer honestly, because we all instinctively understand the right answer is “A.” A human child is worth more than a thousand embryos. Or ten thousand. Or a million. Because they are not the same, not morally, not ethically, not biologically,” he wrote. “This question absolutely evicerates their arguments, and their refusal to answer confirms that they know it to be true.”

“No one, anywhere, actually believes an embryo is equivalent to a child. That person does not exist. They are lying to you,” he added.

On Tuesday, Tomlinson said that he woke up to a “thousand” of new followers.

“Holy crap,” he wrote. “I literally wake up and there’s another thousand of you. Welcome new followers. I write books and yell at the alt-right on social media.”

It s a simple scenario with two outcomes. No one ever wants to pick one, because the correct answer destroys their argument. And there IS a correct answer, which is why the pro-life crowd hates the question. 2/

Here it is. You re in a fertility clinic. Why isn t important. The fire alarm goes off. You run for the exit. As you run down this hallway, you hear a child screaming from behind a door. You throw open the door and find a five-year-old child crying for help. 3/

They re in one corner of the room. In the other corner, you spot a frozen container labeled 1000 Viable Human Embryos. The smoke is rising. You start to choke. You know you can grab one or the other, but not both before you succumb to smoke inhalation and die, saving no one. 4/


Jokes and Humor for kids of all ages! safe for kids! funny


question and answer jokes

Answer: Because you can see right through them

Question and answer jokes

Anydog, buildings can’t jump!

Question and answer jokes

Question and answer jokes

Question and answer jokes

Question and answer jokes

Question and answer jokes

Question and answer jokes

Question and answer jokes

Question and answer jokes

Question and answer jokes

Question and answer jokes

Question and answer jokes

Question and answer jokes

Question and answer jokes

Question and answer jokes

Question and answer jokes

Question and answer jokes

Question and answer jokes

Question and answer jokes

Question and answer jokes

Question and answer jokes

Question and answer jokes

Question and answer jokes

Check out our Privacy statement for more info.


100 Best Jokes – Laugh at funny short jokes, question and answer


Best jokes

Best 100 short funny jokes based on visitors votes. Please rate funny short jokes by clicking on smiles, so funniest jokes will be also best jokes on our web site!

Attention! If you rate joke, joke rating and position will change..

When Nasa first began sending astronauts into space, they were confronted by a small problem. Their standard ballpoint pens would not work in space. They spent a decade and twelve million dollars designing a pen that would work below three hundred degrees, in space, and on glass.

Russia used a pencil.

The Teacher says to the class: Who ever stands up is stupid

*Nobody stands up*

Teacher: I said who ever stands up is STUPID!

*Little Johnny stands up*

Teacher: Johnny, do you really think that you are stupid?

Little Johnny: No Mrs, I just thought that maybe you are lonely being the only one standing.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, “I did some homework.”

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, “Ok, Ok, I was at a friend’s house watching movies.”

Dad asks, “What movie did you watch?”

Son says, “Toy Story.”

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, “Ok, Ok, we were watching p*rn.”

Dad says, “What? At your age I didn’t even know what p*rn was.”

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, “Well, he certainly is your son.”

The robot slaps the mother.

Teacher: Who answers my next question, can go home.

One boy throws his bag out the window.

Teacher: Who just threw that?

Boy: Me and I’m going home now.

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.

Usually she slept through the class.

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, “Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?” “None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.” “Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.”

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.”

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.” This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

“Okay,” says the lawyer,” your turn.” She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?” The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, “Thank you,” puts her head on the pillow and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?” Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Teacher: What exactly is MATH?

Boy: Mental Abuse To Humans

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.” The next day the

85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

“Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”

The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”


Top 10 Dumb Blonde Jokes, question and answer jokes.#Question #and #answer #jokes


Top 10 Dumb Blonde Jokes

(In reverse order – best last. Please read the Disclaimer.)

Question and answer jokesQuestion: If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?

Answer: The brunette – the blonde would have to stop for directions!

Question and answer jokesThe assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve. “Six please” she said, “I could never eat twelve!”

Question and answer jokesA blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm. As she passed the bus stop, someone asked, “Where did you get that?” The pig replied, “I won her in a raffle!”

Question and answer jokesA person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.

Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.

She showed him the instructions on the tin, “For best results, put on two coats”.

Question and answer jokesTwo blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.

First Blonde: “I can’t seem to get this door unlocked! Second Blonde: Well you better hurry up. It’s starting to rain and the top is down!

Question and answer jokesThree blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks.

The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said, “I think they could be bird tracks.”

The second blonde went to look and said, “No, I think these are deer tracks.”

They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks. She looked down, then got run over by the train!

Question and answer jokesA blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,

“You know, it’s the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer.”

Question and answer jokesA blonde was driving down the road listening to the radio and was quite upset when she heard blonde joke after blonde joke. A little way down the road, she saw another blonde out in a field rowing a boat. The blonde stopped her car and angrily jumped out yelling, “You dumb blonde bimbo! It’s blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name! If I could swim I’d come out there and give you what’s coming to you!”

Question and answer jokesA blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O’clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn’t jump.

Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said, “I can’t take this, you’re my friend.” But the blonde insisted saying, “No. A bet’s a bet.”

Then the redhead said “Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O’clock news, so I can’t take your money.”

The blonde replied “Well, so did I, but I didn’t think he would jump again!”

Question and answer jokesA dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.

When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought, “Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!” She got out and walked over to the farmer and said, “If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?” The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.

The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, “157.”

The farmer was amazed – she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said. “If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?”


Sci-fi Author Shuts Down Anti-Abortion Activists With The One Question None Of


Question and answer jokesCrooks and Liars

Question and answer jokes

Sci-fi Author Shuts Down Anti-Abortion Activists With The One Question None Of Them Will Answer

Question and answer jokes

Science fiction author Patrick S. Tomlinson this week explained how opponents of abortion rights can be shut down with one simple question about whether 1,000 embryos are more important than the life of a single child.

In a series of tweets on Monday, Tomlinson revealed the scenario that he says has repeatedly stumped so-called pro-life activists.

Tomlinson said that he asks abortion opponents whether it makes more sense to save one child from a burning building or a vial of 1,000 embryos.

“They will never answer honestly, because we all instinctively understand the right answer is “A.” A human child is worth more than a thousand embryos. Or ten thousand. Or a million. Because they are not the same, not morally, not ethically, not biologically,” he wrote. “This question absolutely evicerates their arguments, and their refusal to answer confirms that they know it to be true.”

“No one, anywhere, actually believes an embryo is equivalent to a child. That person does not exist. They are lying to you,” he added.

On Tuesday, Tomlinson said that he woke up to a “thousand” of new followers.

“Holy crap,” he wrote. “I literally wake up and there’s another thousand of you. Welcome new followers. I write books and yell at the alt-right on social media.”

It s a simple scenario with two outcomes. No one ever wants to pick one, because the correct answer destroys their argument. And there IS a correct answer, which is why the pro-life crowd hates the question. 2/

Here it is. You re in a fertility clinic. Why isn t important. The fire alarm goes off. You run for the exit. As you run down this hallway, you hear a child screaming from behind a door. You throw open the door and find a five-year-old child crying for help. 3/

They re in one corner of the room. In the other corner, you spot a frozen container labeled 1000 Viable Human Embryos. The smoke is rising. You start to choke. You know you can grab one or the other, but not both before you succumb to smoke inhalation and die, saving no one. 4/


100 Best Jokes – Laugh at funny short jokes, question and answer


Best jokes

Best 100 short funny jokes based on visitors votes. Please rate funny short jokes by clicking on smiles, so funniest jokes will be also best jokes on our web site!

Attention! If you rate joke, joke rating and position will change..

When Nasa first began sending astronauts into space, they were confronted by a small problem. Their standard ballpoint pens would not work in space. They spent a decade and twelve million dollars designing a pen that would work below three hundred degrees, in space, and on glass.

Russia used a pencil.

The Teacher says to the class: Who ever stands up is stupid

*Nobody stands up*

Teacher: I said who ever stands up is STUPID!

*Little Johnny stands up*

Teacher: Johnny, do you really think that you are stupid?

Little Johnny: No Mrs, I just thought that maybe you are lonely being the only one standing.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, “I did some homework.”

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, “Ok, Ok, I was at a friend’s house watching movies.”

Dad asks, “What movie did you watch?”

Son says, “Toy Story.”

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, “Ok, Ok, we were watching p*rn.”

Dad says, “What? At your age I didn’t even know what p*rn was.”

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, “Well, he certainly is your son.”

The robot slaps the mother.

Teacher: Who answers my next question, can go home.

One boy throws his bag out the window.

Teacher: Who just threw that?

Boy: Me and I’m going home now.

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.

Usually she slept through the class.

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, “Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?” “None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.” “Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.”

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.”

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.” This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

“Okay,” says the lawyer,” your turn.” She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?” The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, “Thank you,” puts her head on the pillow and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?” Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Teacher: What exactly is MATH?

Boy: Mental Abuse To Humans

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.” The next day the

85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

“Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”

The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”


Top 10 Dumb Blonde Jokes, question and answer jokes.#Question #and #answer #jokes


Top 10 Dumb Blonde Jokes

(In reverse order – best last. Please read the Disclaimer.)

Question and answer jokesQuestion: If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?

Answer: The brunette – the blonde would have to stop for directions!

Question and answer jokesThe assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve. “Six please” she said, “I could never eat twelve!”

Question and answer jokesA blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm. As she passed the bus stop, someone asked, “Where did you get that?” The pig replied, “I won her in a raffle!”

Question and answer jokesA person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.

Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.

She showed him the instructions on the tin, “For best results, put on two coats”.

Question and answer jokesTwo blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.

First Blonde: “I can’t seem to get this door unlocked! Second Blonde: Well you better hurry up. It’s starting to rain and the top is down!

Question and answer jokesThree blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks.

The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said, “I think they could be bird tracks.”

The second blonde went to look and said, “No, I think these are deer tracks.”

They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks. She looked down, then got run over by the train!

Question and answer jokesA blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,

“You know, it’s the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer.”

Question and answer jokesA blonde was driving down the road listening to the radio and was quite upset when she heard blonde joke after blonde joke. A little way down the road, she saw another blonde out in a field rowing a boat. The blonde stopped her car and angrily jumped out yelling, “You dumb blonde bimbo! It’s blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name! If I could swim I’d come out there and give you what’s coming to you!”

Question and answer jokesA blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O’clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn’t jump.

Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said, “I can’t take this, you’re my friend.” But the blonde insisted saying, “No. A bet’s a bet.”

Then the redhead said “Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O’clock news, so I can’t take your money.”

The blonde replied “Well, so did I, but I didn’t think he would jump again!”

Question and answer jokesA dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.

When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought, “Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!” She got out and walked over to the farmer and said, “If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?” The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.

The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, “157.”

The farmer was amazed – she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said. “If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?”


Jokes and Humor for kids of all ages! safe for kids! funny


question and answer jokes

Answer: Because you can see right through them

Question and answer jokes

Anydog, buildings can’t jump!

Question and answer jokes

Question and answer jokes

Question and answer jokes

Question and answer jokes

Question and answer jokes

Question and answer jokes

Question and answer jokes

Question and answer jokes

Question and answer jokes

Question and answer jokes

Question and answer jokes

Question and answer jokes

Question and answer jokes

Question and answer jokes

Question and answer jokes

Question and answer jokes

Question and answer jokes

Question and answer jokes

Question and answer jokes

Question and answer jokes

Question and answer jokes

Question and answer jokes

Check out our Privacy statement for more info.


Retirement Jokes Are A Light Hearted Look At Retirement, question and answer


Retirement Jokes

Here you will find some of the best Retirement Jokes for your retirement speech, and your retirement party. Humor is a lighthearted and playful way to look at retirement.

Question and answer jokes

Are Retirement Jokes the best medicine for seniors? Laughter really is the best medicine for seniors, and medical science confirms this. I inherited my sense of humor from my parents. I love to share jokes, and when I hear a good one I write it down.

My schooldays were in an era of strict discipline and corporal punishment, occasionally relieved by the teacher, or a student, telling a funny story. In my corporate life I sometimes told humorous stories to relieve tension, foster creativity, and create rapport.

Funny Retirement Jokes

You might want to include some of the following in your Retirement Speech – or combine with some Retirement Quotations.

Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime? Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answers: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: Nuts!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending Tea Break.

Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

Hits and Memories for Baby Boomers

В“YouВ’re So Varicose VeinВ” by Carly Simon

В“How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?В” by the Bee Gees В“

The First Time Ever I Forgot Your FaceВ” by Roberta Flack

В“I Can’В’t See Clearly NowВ” by Johnny Nash В“

These Boots Give Me ArthritisВ” by Nancy Sinatra В“

You Make Me Feel Like NappingВ” by Leo Sayer В“

Once, Twice, Three Trips to the BathroomВ” by the Commodores В“

A Whiter Shade of HairВ” by Procol Harum В“

I Get By with a Little Help from DependsВ” by the Beatles В“

Mrs. Brown, You’В’ve Got a Lovely WalkerВ” by Herman’s Hermits В“

TalkingВ’ В‘Bout My MedicationВ” by the Who

В“Bald ThingВ” by the Troggs

PERKS OF BEING OVER 60 and Retired

At some stage retirees must accept the fact that retirement and reduced roles are ultimately a reflection of oneВ’s reduced capacities and motivation. Yet retirement jokes enable us to laugh at our predicament and avoid despair!

  1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
  2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
  3. No one expects you to run. anywhere.
  4. People call at 9 pm and ask did I wake you?
  5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
  6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
  7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
  8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
  9. You can live without sex, but not your glasses.
  10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
  11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
  12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
  13. You sing along with elevator music.
  14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
  15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
  16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
  17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
  18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
  19. You can’t remember who sent you this list.
  20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Retirement Jobs-What the New Job Jargon Really Means

In seeking a retirement job you may be unfamiliar with the current argot (sic) of the profession. And some of these descriptions are not retirement jokes!

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY – We have no time to train you.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE – We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED – You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED – Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY – Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL – We have no quality control.

CAREER-MINDED – Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE – We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE – You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST – You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS – You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS – Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Funny Retirement Poem:

Another year has passed and we’re all a little older.

Last summer felt hotter and winter seems much colder.

Now we go to funeral homes, and after-funeral brunches.

Now we ask for doggie bags, come home, and take a pill.

Now we get sore behinds from riding in the car.

Now we stay home at night and watch the evening news.

So, enjoy each day and live it up. before you’re too darn old!

Exercise for seniors

Here is an exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I’d pass it on to some of my friends. Just don’t overdo it.

OK. it’s a retirement joke!

Weekly Workout

My Doctor told me, I should start an exercise program. Not wanting to do any harm to this aging body, I’ve devised the following:

Beat around the bush

Jump to conclusions

Climb the walls

Wade through the morning paper

Make mountains out of mole hills

Hit the nail on the head

Bend over backwards

Jump on the Band Wagon

Run around in circles

Advise the President on how to run the country

Toot my own horn

Pull out all the stops

Add fuel to the fire

Open a can of worms

Put my foot in my mouth

Start the ball rolling

Go over the edge

Pick up the pieces!

Kneel in prayer

Bow my head in thanksg

Uplift my hands in praise

Hug someone and encourage them.

I really enjoyed the retirement jokes in the award winning speech Retirement Never